Pastors kids
Last night I had my very first “pastors kid” comment thrown my way. A volunteer with the childrens ministry at the church mentioned to me that, in her opinion, she believes Caleb should be doing better at bible memorization because he’s a pastors kid. After biting my tongue for a few seconds (I could mention to you what I wanted to say to her … but my mother reads this blog and I don’t want to tarnish her opinion of me 
I was gracious and thanked her for her concerns. I then mentioned to her (nicely in my pastoral voice) that it really should not matter who the child is and what their father or mother does for a living – children all learn in different ways and at different speeds. I then said good-bye, walked out to my car and gave Caleb a giant bear hug and told him how PROUD I WAS OF HIM!
Why is there such an expectation for children who’s parents happen to be pastors? Why would my son or daughter be any different than the son or daughter of the teacher in my congregation or the business man? I want my son (and daughter) to fall in love with Jesus. I want him to be the man that God wants him to be. If that means that he sucks at memorizing the bible when he’s five – so be it. There are going to be times that he messes things up – what child hasn’t. My kids will screw up, they’ll make mistakes, they’ll have problems. And when they do – I’ll be with them every step of the way. I’ll wrap my arms around them and I’ll make sure they know HOW PROUD I AM OF THEM (my parents did the same with me). Of course I’ll teach them and challenge them and punish them, but at absolutely no time in my life will they ever feel that they need to be anyone but themselves because I’m a pastor. I pray that they will never feel the pressure of being someone they’re not because I get up on stage sometimes and pray with people and do the things pastors do. I want my children to look back at their life and think “my dad was a pastor and I was proud of who he was and I was proud to be a pastors kid”.
I can do everything I can to take the pressure of my children – but it fires me up when the people i minister to place these pressures back on them. It hurts me that some people think like this. I shouldn’t be surprised … but I was last night.
October 25, 2007 at 8:38 pm
I don’t believe this actually happened. People wouldn’t actually place those expectations on our kids.
(editor’s note: please insert some sarcasm)
Sorry my friend! Although I am partially curious as to what you wanted to say. But I can take my guesses. But, as a fellow “parent of a PK” I would just like to let you know that I agree whole heartedly with you. Our kids are so often the brunt of some very unfair pressures. My kids are just kids. The only difference between them and everyone else’s kids are that mine are cooler.
October 28, 2007 at 10:29 pm
it’s so cool to hear your love for you son and not your disappointment with his lack meeting someone elses standards! keep on loving like Jesus!
miss you man. would love to get a meal and some honest conversation sometime…but i’ll take a phone call;)
March 28, 2008 at 6:45 am
I’ll tell you something as a now adult pastor’s kid. Every pastor says they will never put these pressures on their children to be anything other than what God wants them to be. However, it doesn’t matter that YOU don’t put the pressure on them, because everyone else will. The problem is that pastors put their children below the church, god, the congregation, and their spouse. You should have told that woman what you were really thinking, what parent wouldn’t stand up for their children? Only a pastor who is too worried about offending their flock. Unfortunately there aren’t too many options when you’ve become a pastor, you are forced to be in the position of choosing others over your children. Your children will most likely always feel like they are supposed to be something more than they are; why else would there be this HUGE stereotype of why pastor’s kids are messed up?
This isn’t meant to be offensive, just a sort of reality…
April 1, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Hey! So I’m doing a project for school on pastor’s kids and how they are affected emotionally, physically and socially. I go to a public school and I am a pastor’s kid! My father has been in ministry for most of my life and I am only 17. I think that it is definately harder being a pastor’s kid! I had to distribute 10 surverys, all to pastor’s kids and the answers that I received were shocking to say the least!! Most people felt that they were affected and over half of them said that after seeing thier parent in ministry they would probably not go into ministry themselves as a pastor. However, I love my dad, and even though his job can be very challenging to the family I feel that he is in the right place right now, where God wants him to be. His job is very emotionally draining on my mom as well. But I think that if God’s will for my dad is to be a pastor then so be it! He has to have a reason for it (God that is). Thanks for the blog though, sort of stumbled on it as I am was looking for some research on this topic. God bless!
April 3, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Hey. Yeah people do that, but to be honest they will always have to deal with that. The question is, will you stick to that? I am a grown pastors kid, that had an abusive Father and Mother. My childhood was all that showed they loved me in anyway, after I turned ten I was ignorred. So much so that the horrifying events I now see a psych for were completely ignorred. We all know that GOD is number one, and your wife, the church, what not. But in all honesty, your kids are your legacy. Will you be one that pushes them so hard they crack, then hate you when they become an adult. Or will you be one that ignores them, or beats them once they turn ten because they wore blue jeans to church one Sunday.
We, PKs will always face those horrible presures, but in the end you can not say GOD DID NOT PROTECT MY CHILD, or your child did something to deserve what happened to them. The fact was that they were ignorred when they needed you the most. Becareful as your son grows up, how you see him. He’ll need you to be proud of him because no one else will, he’ll need you to love him because everyone else will sooner put him under a microscope.
19 years in a PK house hold, I now live with my boyfriend and consider myself Wiccan. Why? Because GOD was supposed to protect me from the man that raped me when I was 12, not my parents. Will you blame them for your mistakes in their childhood? My parents do, dont be one of them.
In all honesty it seems you are going down the right road. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
Points of advice:
Love your son, let him know your proud of him.
Let him be a kid.
Dont ever EVER tell him you hate him for any reason.
Go the extra mile to make him feel like something special.
Dont call him to the front pew in the middle of church even if he deserves it.
Be a Father, not just a church member.
I wish you the best of luck. God how I wish other pastors would even try that little. Honestly you should have told her what you thought, because he’s a kid. Just a kid, not God. You should have said something because she will keep saying things to him when you are not around.
April 23, 2008 at 3:16 pm
[...] there has been one thing has surprised me ALOT. Out of all the posts I’ve written, THIS POST about pastors kids get’s read many times EVERY day. Every single day I can count on at least [...]
September 4, 2008 at 12:43 pm
hey..
i’m a PK.
it’s really hard to be one. i’m turning 20 next year and it’s so hard leaving this kind of life.
people’s expectations, the pressure, the standard, the integrity and so on. it’s hard!
but i’m very thankful to the Lord for my parents because they are the best.
the hardest part is not your relationship with your parents, but your social life.
i really hate how people judged me just because i am a PK. LOL!!
when i was younger i want to change my situation, but in reality it’s impossible!
it is God’s plan for us PKs, so let us change the things that we can and accept the things that we cannot change..
we PKS are just the same as other creatures.
** its very easy for me to befriend with other PKS and i don’t know why..
a fruitful day! ^__^
September 14, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Wow! good luck w raising your children! I am the last of five children raised by a minister here in NYC. I am presently doing a documentary on PKs..Where are they now? I myself felt the neglect, the abuse that came w parents who put the church family first and left me and my siblings alone w an abusive cousin that my father took in to help.
I see both sides…. On one end I was given the amazing gift of social grace and a heart for those in need. But I also felt abandoned by the two people who I respected most in my childhood…..I have had many talks w adult PKs and I am amazed by the similarities we share! the need to “perform” the desire to protect our parents regardless of what we ourselves are facing, the expectations layed upon us by the church. Any pastor who even attempts to see life through the eyes of his children gets an A+ in my book! You are one of three that I have stumbled upon in my 36 years of life!
If there is a God may he bless you for your efforts!
October 7, 2008 at 3:35 pm
[...] most viewed post (by a landslide) is Pastors Kids. I am still amazed at how many people read that [...]
November 3, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I’m so NOT surprised that this post– written over a year ago– is read so often!
My husband (a pk of a pk!) and I have been in various ministry positions, and now pastor a small, start-up congregation.
As a child who was raised by agnostics, I never felt any pressure at all to behave “religiously,” or had any particular spiritual expectations placed upon me. I started– passionately!– a relationship with Jesus when I was 18. My regrets included that some of my behaviors (sex, lying, etc.) prevented me from a few of the blessings God would have loved me to have.
So of course, I wanted to make sure my kids got those blessings!!!
When my children were younger, I tried so hard to make sure they weren’t exposed to influences that would result in less than ideal Christian behavior– you know, I tried to make rules that kept them from sinning– hoping that this would produce external behaviors that would result in loving Jesus and being holy! (Yeah, I get it NOW… THEN I thought I was doing the right thing.)
Imagine my dismay when I discovered that this is the OPPOSITE of the recipe that produces true holiness– and a love for Jesus.
My son, now 18, doesn’t have a close relationship with the Lord right now, and in fact went through a time in his life when he tried drugs and alcohol. (A very public time, I might add. sigh.)
Now, I am trusting that holiness comes from hearing and obeying the Holy Spirit– and that this will create the externals everyone is looking for.
I guess my kids (18 & 16) can relax now… I am not trying to force any type of religious behavior on them.
November 14, 2008 at 4:34 am
Pastor’s kids, have, and always will get this pressure from other people. The thing we must remember is we can share our hurts, our tears. We can confess our sins. We do not have to hide these things and pretend to have the perfect family. That is what Satan wants. A group of children who are afraid to bring things to the light, for fear of what people will think of them. It is his scheme for these children who would otherwise be on fire for the Lord.
November 18, 2008 at 12:00 am
I’m a private tutor, I’m deeply committed to my students and would do anything to help them in any way I can. I had two PK siblings a few years ago and they were by far the most challenging children I have ever had to teach. I spent a lot of extra time talking to them and taking them on fun trips – things the parents should really have been doing with them. They had some behavioural problems (compulsive rudeness for one) and were miserable, their school was very concerned about them too. It was never clear whether they were miserable because they were stuck in a foreign country with a foreign language or whether there was more to it.
I had no idea about the stereotype until much later on when I spoke to a US friend who immediately exclaimed “oh pastor’s kids! they’re notorious!” I was almost taken aback by the simplicity of this answer when I know I could fill pages with my observations on them. I googled the term and found this page.
As a tutor I tried everything I could think of but I don’t know if I made any progress at all. Before reading on, bear in mind that these kids were already lost and frustrated because they’d moved to a country that spoke a foreign language – so everyone at their school spoke in a language they couldn’t yet understand. However, I could speak their language and I was trying to help them with this new one – so it was important.
It would take 40 minutes for the younger one to open up beyond a depressed stare which often culminated in some crying too – heartbreaking and odd considering my lessons are really quite merry. These are serious symptoms in a child -the type you generally see when there’s a serious problem -but all the school and I had to go on were these symptoms, there was no physical evidence of abuse and they didn’t shy away from physical contact or anything. The older one chatted – but there was no real communication behind it. I used to describe these blocks as a “wall”. With the younger – you had to break down the wall, but with the older – the wall talked back and you couldn’t get through it at all. Then they would go home and the walls would be rebuilt – so you had to start all over again at every single lesson.
There was a slight improvement with the younger one and the older one was sent to a different school but I don’t think I’d have gotten through anyway. The first step in the younger one’s improvement was when I finally got the father (THE pastor) to do some language work with the kid. That didn’t last long though. But I think it may have been enough to spur the kid on.
Every kid has their own issues, their own personal Everest to climb – which is why one-on-one teaching with a tutor who knows this, works so well. I’ve been able to work through these challenges with every single one of my kids – except these two PKs.
My question is to the PKs themselves – how could someone like a tutor or teacher have helped you? What can we do?
December 14, 2008 at 11:36 pm
I am the mother of two PKs. I love this blog because I read so many things that I think they are experiencing. I try so hard to protect my babies from the terrible words that are often said directly by those who claim to be Christians. My children are just children. They are not Jesus! Let’s pray for all the PKs. They need our prayers and they need our love and great understanding.
January 3, 2009 at 7:10 am
I’m a PK, MK, and now a pastor’s wife and a mom of a PK. Those latter two are proof that God has a great sense of humor. PKs do experience a great deal of pressure. People sometimes do not realize what they’re doing. Even in a church like ours, where my husband and I are very transparent and close to our church family members, there are always going to be people who can’t get past the fact that we are PEOPLE first. My very energetic six year-old is just a little boy. He loves Jesus but he still does dumb little boy things. We do pull people aside and try to correct their responses (and perceptions) as they arise, but you know, in my experience you can never get everyone to see you as people. For one thing, there are always new people, bringing their old baggage. It’s like that gopher game at Chuck E. Cheese: You pound down one ugly mindset and another pops up. I’ll tell you what you CAN do though, from experience: you can feed your child’s confidence iby affirming your love, his/her personal value (separate from behavior). You can explore the goodness of God together, foster and cultivate his/her own identity and let him/her grab onto his/her own faith, and help him become solid in his own core identity, no matter what silly and thoughtless things get thrown at him. I think what really helped me the most when I was growing up was that my dad sat down and let me vent, helped me process all of the ugliness I saw – ugliness towards him, ugliness towards our family, or just plain ugliness in general. He was always there, acknowledging when it was ugly and stupid, legitimizing my feelings, and helping me know how to walk through forgiveness and take responsibility for my own walk with God.
And “Lost,” if you ever still read this, I am so sorry. I hurt for you. I know that God does passionately love you. It’s obvious that you have a very soft heart, but are just very hurt and feel betrayed. You’ll be in my prayers!
February 25, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Well done on raising such great conversations with this article…..even with another comment some 12 months down the track. We have a “Caleb” as well (6 years) and we are getting the “he’s the son of missionaries” glares…thankfully the verbal comments haven’t come yet. We are actually in transition from Australia to Calgary next month. Bill (my hubby) is a Calgarian (I’m an Aussie) and we’ve been in YWAM for 10 years down here in Oz. We are moving over with Caleb 6 and Jessica 2. We have quite a few friends who attend MTC! Hearing good reports I must say!
March 5, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Well this seems to be a good way to start off by saying that ive been a pk since i was two and i am now 18. 16 years i have been through what seems to be every phase a pastors kid can go through. The real reason that i wanted to post a comment is to say how sad i am to see how many people have been hurt by such a powerful ministry. As a pk we have the unique oppurtunity to see God’s hand moving (sometimes not moving) radically in an ever changing cultre. with that we tend to see more of the negative of this ministry because it is often brought home, for our families to deal with and is hidden behind a smiling face every sunday morning from 6 am to 2 pm. I know personally right after and during highschool i wanted to blame my parents for the things that I personally deal with. From things like anger towards family, church, friends, GOD, to things like just trying to get any type of physical interaction with a girl just to feel loved. Trust me I know the pain. I am in a program called masters commision in Bellevue Nebraska and God has quite literaly been kicking my butt on these specific areas. The hardest part so far has been to understand that I am my own person and am not defined by my Dad being a pastor. I now have begun to realize how much God loves me and what I do not what my Dad does. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my heart. Please if you have any questions or would like someone to talk to you e mail me at rico@yours.com . Thats something we as christians need to better is to allow communication between eachother, who knows what you may offer me in this subject or what i may offer you.
God Bless
Aeric Wallace
April 4, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Hi, I have been a PK daughter since I can remember. I will be 42 this year. When I was in my early 20’s I really felt that I should try and set up a network in the UK for PK kids. I started writing to many kids all various ages, and just befriending them and praying for them. And the stories, and letters that came back were displaying the same as what has been in the above.
To be honest I didn’t really know I had to be anything above anyone else until my teens. I didn’t know that I had a title or was asked my God to share the ministry that dad and mum were called to by Him. But in my teens by little bites of conversations and taunts etc well what I began to find out from people, not only hurt, made me feel insecure, and tussle within my mind at the question: Who am I? and loads more came rising to the surface within me, but never quite got out.
I never once heard mum and dad put me down, or expect things from me. I tried to hide it all from them. However, as parents you know your kids, and though they never got to hear fully what I was experiencing from others, I can never say they disappointed me and I knew that they always prayed for me and my brother and sisters.
PK’s without realising it pick up on things rather quickly when people have any gripe against the leadership especially their dad or mum. They are sensitive to issues, atmospheres, and if they can relax or if they have to better than anyone else in any given situation. And this happens when PK’s get hurt a lot. And that is where I stood. I would take myself off for long drives, and just wander around the country side in tears, lost and lonely and yet never ever felt lost with God. In fact I would be more determined to stick with God and grow in Him.
I hold nothing against God for calling dad and mum into ministry, I knew that that is where they should be. I knew what they were, and are doing was right. And though I am amazed at what God has bought us through and continues to bring them through, I have been learning to forgive those who have hurt us. Its not been easy, its been a rather bumpy ride.
About ten years back I looked around to see if there was any support in the UK or else where for Leaders Kids. Books, CD’s, tapes, and web sites, and if there was for leaders wives. I managed to find one book which greatly helped me and I decided in the year of 2000 that I would create one. However, the resources to keep it up and running ran out.
During the time it was up, I have since heard of many testimonies where PK’s and other leaders kids logged onto and read the stories. They began to realise that they were not on their own, and through the web site where there were testimonies and insights from other kids who’s father and mother were/are leaders decided to either get more of God and call on Him. Others realised that this was not God’s fault, and so have since come back to God. And they have been working through forgiveness, and hearing from God whom they are etc.
This year I felt drawn to try and create another web site. And hearing Joyce Meyer this morning say it doesn’t matter how small or big a gift you have, use it for God and see people know God and be fulfilled in God. I have been doing some research today to see if the landscape has changed on the web, books, CD’s etc for Pastors Kids, and leaders. What kind of support, help, encouragement is there available. How can I use the talent of creating a web site as a web designer to make sure that there is support, prayer, networks set up?
I wondered if this blog could become a part of it? This is one blog that I must say as I have been reading it, has helped me. Thank you to everyone – keep believing in God who loves you and will never ever reject anyone of us.
People whoever they are can hurt but all need Jesus in their lives. Those who do love God and have said some ugly things to anyone, if not all of us, expecting so much from us when we are still growing and learning ourselves or are not the type of people that they expect us to be, are still being conformed to the likeness of Jesus as we are. We are all in the process of becoming like Him.
If the blog can become part of a web site, please let me know – each one of our experiences can help others who are crying, lonely, hurt, and tittering on the edge of life. Thank you again. God bless.
Francine.
April 26, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Attention adult PK’s in ministry
My name is Jay and I grew up as a PK and I am interested in interviewing some PKs that are now pastors for a research project. (And possibly for a future book.)
If this is something you would be interested in, I am listing the interview questions below that you can send me, or if you like, you can post on this forum. Thank you in advance for any help you can give me.
My hope is to get a better understanding of how growing up in the church as a PK may have changed your perspective and affect on ministry.
1. How did your family create boundaries between church life and home life? What does that look like now that you have your own ministry?
2. What type of expectations did the congregation have for you as a PK? What was your response to those expectations? In what ways has their expectations changed now that you are a pastor?
3. When you are a PK, you see a lot of the “behind the scenes” type things such as the back stabbing, cheating, and lying within the church body. How did this change your perspective on ministry or the way you deal with people now?
4. In what ways did you find it difficult to have your own identity? What are some things that helped you overcome those things?
5. How is your father or mothers ministry different than your own? (Perhaps there is something you did not agree with or relate to that you steer clear of now – or perhaps you find yourself doing some of the same things your parent use to do.)
6. Answer only if you have children… How has your perspective changed in the way that you raise your children in the church in light of your experience as a PK? How is this different than how you were raised?
August 19, 2009 at 9:45 am
hi everyone I’m a Pastor’s daughter since birth..and being a PK pressures me a lot since the world are expecting so much from me…but later on I’ve realized that being a PK is such a great blessings from God coz I can be an agent of change, touched someone’s life, could build people and definately make a difference
September 17, 2009 at 12:37 am
I’m a 21-yr old Pastor’s daughter. I finally got “freed” from my dad’s church, strayed for a while (inpatient treatment), and finally found a church I like. But honestly, I still struggle with addictions (alcohol, dated alcoholic men in their 40’s, bars, eating disorders, etc) and still struggle with anger/forgiving my dad. I have moments when I feel I’ve forgiven him, but mostly, I’m pissed off at him- especially the way he treats my mom. He’s a complete jerk to her, never appreciates her, complains about her, even though she’s his personal slave at church, doenst look for a 2nd job so mom has to do it, etc. I just hate how he treats her- that’s the hardest thing to forgive. I know it’s my own fault for holding onto bitterness and anger, so that’s something I’m working on right now.
September 28, 2009 at 8:34 pm
i hate being a pastors kid ,i just want to cry ;(